Further Assembly Required

This past weekend saw the release of Marvel's The Avengers (or Avengers Assemble, if you live outside the States), the culmination of five movies worth of film continuity as Iron Man, the Hulk, Thor, Captain America, and S.H.I.E.L.D. came together to overcome a threat that no single hero can defeat. I won't say much about it, except that IT IS AWESOME! IT IS THE MOST AMAZING SUPERHERO FILM I'VE EVER SEEN! IT IS SO DAMN GOOD! JOSS WHEDON MAY BE AN ATHEIST BUT HE HAS CONFIRMED MY BELIEF IN A JUST AND LOVING GOD! IT IS WONDERFUL! AAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAA

Sorry, got a bit carried away there. Anyway, the Avengers came out and it was great and made all of the money in the world, but at the end of it all the question comes up: Now what? Marvel showed that comic book style, genre-mashing continuity can work on the big screen; what are they gonna do next? What are the next characters to make it to the big screen? Iron Man 3, Thor 2, and Captain America 2 are all in development, while Ant-Man has been worked on for years by writer/director/my favorite British person ever, Edgar Wright, but what of new heroes and new villains? Well, I have some ideas. Here now is my list of the next ten Marvel characters who deserve their own movies:

10) Namor

Admittedly, the Sub-Mariner is a tough sell. He's a dude who has Spock-ears, winged heels, and regularly wears nothing but a green speedo. However, he's still a big part of the Marvel Universe. First appearing way the hell back when in 1939, Prince Namor of Atlantis inititally clashed with the surface world and its protector, the android Human Torch. However, when the prince learned of these big bad guys called Nazis who threatened both the topsiders and his own kingdom, he teamed with the Torch and Captain America to fight them off. He has since ranged from villain to anti-hero to just plain hero in his 70-year tenure in the Marvel U.

Since we've already seen Cap's story on screen Namor free, it'd take a bit of rewriting to put the Sub-Mariner in WW2. Say, maybe, have him fight the Japanese in the Pacific, go into hiding under the sea, and reemerge in the modern world to save it or conquer it in the name of Atlantis. And have him wear pants. Shirt optional.

9) Doctor Strange

Thor has thus far been the biggest example of magic in Marvel's Cinematic Universe, but Doctor Strange could give the God of Thunder a run for his money. Since first appearing in 1963, the Sorceror Supreme has been the go-to guru of magic and voodoo. The good doctor has been an on-again, off-again member of various Avengers and Avenger spin-offs (most notably, the Defenders), but never quite found solid footing as a solo hero.

As far as a movie, I'd go with a horror-fantasy type story. Tone down the costume, and Strange could be convincing as a demon fighter, maybe have Baron Mordo or the dreaded Dormammu as a villain. Then have Strange move on and team up with the similarly magic Thor or have him clash with the science-minded Iron Man. The possibilities are endless.

8) Iron Fist

At around the same time as David Carradine showed that white men could do kung fu, the Living Weapon was jumping and kicking his way through the Marvel U. In an origin story similar to another certain Iron-based hero, the young Danny Rand was a wealthy heir before he discovered his destiny; however, whereas Tony Stark found heroism through science, Danny found it through a hidden magical city in Tibet where he learned martial arts and killed a dragon. Since then, Iron Fist has been a part of the Marvel Universe, a classic member of the Heroes for Hire and, of course, occasionally with the Avengers.

While the story of a rich kid who learns what's important is attractive, I'd instead go with a story more akin to, well, Kung Fu; a spiritual hero whose goal is to bring peace to a world rife with violence and despair. Or do a whole movie of his training in the mystical city of K'un-L'un and have him emerge blinking into a crossover movie. Or, even have him team up with another hero, which brings me to number 7...

7) Luke Cage

Luke Cage, a.k.a. Carl Lucas, a.k.a. Power Man, a.k.a. a dude who wore a disco shirt and a tiara as his costume, started out his career in 1972, when blaxploitation was a popular trend in movies. Subsequently, when flamboyant costumes and the catchphrase "Sweet Christmas!" went out of style, Cage became a more thuggish, gangsta-esque character. Nowadays, he's just a big-time hero, married with a kid and a card-carrying member of the Avengers.

A Luke Cage movie would be tough to do; keeping the hero in his urban roots without being patronizing or pandering would be a tough trick to pull off. What would probably work best would be a redemption story, with Cage as a criminal who loses everything, gets the chance to make it right, and does so. Or just put him next to his old pal Iron Fist and watch the sparks fly.

6) Hulk

Mark Ruffalo's Bruce Banner was one of the best parts of the Avengers; alternatively a world-weary survivor and a weirdly upbeat scientist, Banner and his absolutely smashing alter-ego left a difinitive impression on audiences. As no more Hulk movies are in the works, it'd be a shame if the Jade Giant was left out in the cold. I'd suggest making a honest-to-god sequel to 08's The Incredible Hulk and pick up on the plot threads there, like Samuel Sterns becoming the super-psychic Leader, or bringing back Tim Roth as the abominable Emil Blonsky. Just don't leave Mark Ruffalo to do nothing; it might make him angry.

5) Moon Knight

Moony the Loony is one of Marvel's weirder heroes, but that weirdness makes him an utterly unique and compelling character. His origin story is as follows: mercenary Marc Spector is betrayed, beaten, and left for dead by his partner near a pyramid in Egypt. He is saved by Khonshu, the Egyptian God of the Moon, who resurrects him on the condition that he fight evil in Khonshu's name. Spector agrees and returns to the States, using his mercenary profits and Batman-esque weaponry to fight crime as the Moon Knight.

What makes Moony really interesting is the fact that he's absolutely bananas. He's still capable of being a hero, but the guilt of all the people he's killed as a mercenary manifests itself in Spector's multiple personalities (plus there's the fact that he takes orders from an Egyptian moon god). Moony's story could be one of redemption, with the voices in his head providing enough levity to keep audiences from noticing that he's kind of a Batman rip-off.

4) Nick Fury

One-Eyed Eagle has been a background presence in Marvel's movies, and while he does get more screen time in Avengers, he's deserving of his own movie, if only to see if Marvel will do a movie where the main character says "Motherf*cker" (they won't).

As far as a story, I'd adapt Jonathan Hickman's "Secret Warriors" to the big screen, with Fury and a small team of unknown superheroes waging a private war against a revitalized HYDRA. Part of this is because I love the comic, but part of it is because it really shows off the character of Nick Fury: a no-nonsense, absolutely brilliant espionage agent and mastermind who knows unequivocally what needs to be done to protect the free world and will do it, even if it's an unpopular decision. That's the character I know and that's the character I want everyone else to know.

3) Wolverine

Two reasons: One, because Fox got it wrong, and Two, because Wolverine is on EVERY team in Marvel Comics. That's his real mutant power. Need I say more?

2) Hawkeye and Black Widow

This one should be obvious. Two hot young actors playing badass master assassins/espionage agents who look awesome in the Avengers and are hinted at having awesome spy stories and possible romance subplots happening offscreen? Why don't these two have a movie yet?! Get on the stick, Marvel!

1) Agent Phil Coulson

Phil Coulson is the glue that holds the Marvel Cinematic Universe together. He's capable of being intelligent, funny, and even badass a few times (particularly in the Avengers). And despite all of this, we know so little about him. The people at Marvel created a really interesting guy; a character who is both an everyman walking amongst legends and an excellent administrator who knows how to manipulate them. Coulson is a great, fun character, and I'd love to see him carry his own movie.

Well, that's my list. If you've got any other ideas, post them here. Take care, go see The Avengers, and I'll see you next time. Until then,

Caught in the Web

Hello there, children! This time, I'm doing something a wee bit different. As you may have picked up from this blog, I like a lot of things, and, as you most assuredly already know, a lot of things are on the internet, so therefore, a lot of the things I like are on the internet.

Wow, that was crap. Let's start over.

So this time around, I've decided to share a few things from the internet that I like and that I think you all should check out. This might even become a semi-regular thing. So, without further bad writing, let's get started. Here's some things from the internet that I like:

Extra Credits: Harassment

Extra Credits is weekly video series about video games; what's great about it, what issues have come up in the medium, and what can be done to make it better. This week, the EC crew looked at something that's been a longstanding issue in online gaming: Harassment. Rather than berate those who have made racist, sexist, or homophobic remarks in the anonymous forums of the Playstation Network, X-Box Live, and MMO servers, the crew offer tips on what gamers can do to prevent this behavior in the future. If you play online games and want to stop harassment, you should definately check this out.

Obscurus Lupa Presents: Heidi 4 Paws

Obscurus Lupa Presents is a semi-regular series in which Obscurus Lupa (a.k.a. Allison Pregler) reviews films you've never heard of, mostly Z-Grade martial arts movies and direct-to-video horror films. In her latest review, however, she takes a look at Heidi 4 Paws, an adaptation of the novel Heidi featuring a cast of dogs in costumes with rotovoxed mouths. Its as stupid and disturbing and hilarious as it sounds, so check out the review.

History of Power Rangers

I didn't watch Power Rangers as a child. Strange, I know, but my parents were under the impression that me watching anything more violent that Daffy Duck would turn me into a serial killer, so a show about teenagers using martial arts to fight Japanese stock footage was blacklisted. Thankfully, this particular hole in my childhood is being remedied. Linkara (a.k.a. Lewis Lovhaug), host of the comic-book review series "Atop the Fourth Wall", also does a show called "History of Power Rangers". It's pretty much what it sounds like; Lovhaug breaks down the story of each season of Power Rangers (in alarmingly comprehensive detail) and gives his opinions on it. With the latest installment up finally going up (it takes months for these things to get done), I figured now would be a good time to share it. It's a fun, interesting, and educational series; I, for one, for instance, learned that the show "Power Rangers" had a plot. No really, it's true. Go check it out.

Thats all I got for now, but I'll probably amass a bit more in the future. Thanks for reading and I'll see you next time!

Meanwhile, IN SPACE!...

Originally this post was set to be a users guide to Season 2 of Game of Thrones, explaining character names and personalities and family ties and so forth. However, my chronic procrastination has led that to be somewhat unfeesible, since we're almost halfway through the season. If you guys still want me to write that, say something. Anything. Please.

Anyway, on to today's subject. A question I often get asked is "Hey, man, when was the last time you got a haircut?" A question I wish I was often asked is, "What sort of comics should I read?" Of the many titles that come to mind, the first would be Saga.

Saga marks the triumphant return to comics of writer Brian K. Vaughan. Vaughan is something of a legend in comics, having written some of the most unique series of the past decade. Runaways took teenage rebellion to its extreme, with a group of kids discovering that their parents were a cabal of supervillains and, as the title suggests, run away. Y: The Last Man examined gender politics in the post-apocalypse, where a virus kills every mammal on Earth with a Y-chromosome, save for a nineteen-year-old slacker and his pet monkey. Ex Machina followed the world's sole superhero as he undertakes his most dangerous venture: politics. Then Vaughan disappeared, and nobody knew where he went. Actually that's a lie, he went to Hollywood and became a writer on Lost. Anyway, Vaughan is back with his latest gift to the masses, Saga, which is...well, it's Romeo and Juliet meets Star Wars. But's still unique and it's still a damn good book.

The setting is, of course, SPAAAAAAAAAACE! Specifically a galaxy still entrenched in an ancient civil war. On one side are the winged soldiers of the planet Landfall; on the other, the horned mystics of its moon, Wreath. In the process of this conflict, against all odds, love is found between enemies. Alana, a low-level prison guard with the Landfall Coilition, and Marko, a consciencious objector of Wreath, fall in love and elope together, returning nine months later with a pair of wedding rings and bouncing baby crossbreed. Unfortunately for the new parents, both sides get wind of Hazel the hybrid and send their best (or just most expendable) agents to retrieve the child. Alana and Marko are now on a search across the planet and across the galaxy to find a safe place to be a family, along the way dodging mystical horrors, freelance bounty hunters, and the powerful (but funny-looking) Robot Kingdom.

And we're only two issues in.

The books strongest point is its characters, and just how meticulously Vaughan presents them. The protagonists are definately likeable and you root for them, but at the same time you don't know much about them, which gives the book a sense of unpredictability that's rare on stories these days. The intrigue suggests that there's something more to the characters than they let on, which creates an effective hook and keeping the reader invested and the stories fresh. Anything can happen; not just in the sci-fi/fantasy elements, but with the characters as well. The shining example comes when Alana is confronted by one of the bounty hunters. I won't say what happens, but suffice to say she demonstrates a level of resolve that makes a much stronger character.

And then there's art. Oh man, is there the art. Fiona Staples (Woot! Female creators!) uses a sketchy, almost childlike style that adds to the sense of wonder of the book. The big epic images, such as a brief summary of the history of the war have a proper gravitas to them. However, where Staples truly shines is in the characters. Their acting is pitch perfect. Their facial expressions and body language is drawn in such a way that you know them and their disposition immediately, even the faceless members of the Robot Monarchy. It's beautiful artwork that invokes the same sense of amazement one had watching the Original Trilogy as a child (I imagine).

Saga is the book I didn't know I needed until I read it (that and Wolverine and the X-Men). Expertly written, with fantastic intrigue and characterization, coupled with stunning artwork that suits the book perfect. I cannot recommend it highly enough. DO. NOT. MISS. THIS. BOOK.

Thanks for reading and I'll see you next time!

Deeply Affecting

Yep, we're going back to this old business. Also, spoiler alert for the Mass Effect games.

To refresh your memory, this past March, Bioware released the third installment of their sci-fi video game trilogy, Mass Effect 3. While it was praised for its story, characters, gameplay, and RPG elements, much criticism was levied against the ending. Now, it's more or less expected that a big geek property like this would have some complaints, but the sheer amount of anger leveled against this ending was staggering. Fans petitioned Bioware to change the ending, to the point where Bioware stated that they would be releasing downloadable content that would add scenes to the end to tie up some of the loose threads, but that the original ending (Shepard gets teleported to the Crucible, talks to the god child, changes the universe, dies, maybe not dies, etc) would remain the same. And frankly, the whole affair kind of sickens me.

First things first, I'm going to echo a lot of other online personel in saying this: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD BIOWARE CHANGE THE ENDING TO MASS EFFECT 3. And the reason I say this and believe this is one simple, overriding fact: Video Games are art. Bioware put out a piece of art, and while those who take it in are more than welcome to dislike it, criticize it, or outright hate it, they are not entitled to have it changed. See, video games are tricky like this because, with DLC and patches they're an artform that can be modified and added to after release, and because they're an art form where the participant has an active role in shaping it, it gives the participant a certain sense of entitlement. It's the player's choice what Commander Shepard looks like, acts like, what he says, what he does, who he likes, who he hates, what gun he carries, what powers he has, etc. And having these choices and being able to shape this experience is great, but it doesn't make the player have the right to change the direction of the story of the game that Bioware made. Because Bioware made it, not the player.

Look, I don't want to be really hard on the "Take Back Mass Effect 3" people because really, they have a right to complain about the ending. But they shouldn't be demanding a change to it and Bioware shouldn't agree to those demands. When an art is changed to fit the wants and desires of its viewers, it stops being art and starts being a product. Changing the ending to Mass Effect 3 would set a terrible precident not just for Bioware, but for all video games. Bioware took a risk with the ending and while it didn't pan out exactly as they hoped, they shouldn't try to fix it, they (and everyone else) should learn from it and move on.

Now, the ending controversy didn't really get to me until I saw a Facebook ad for a Facebook game developed by Bioware. Now I try to ignore Facebook ads for the same reasons I do so for other ads and I try to ignore Facebook games because I can play real video games. However, this ad got to me because of the headline for it: "No Bad Endings".

When I read this, it suddenly struck me that the ending and the anger and bile surrounding it would be the most lasting part of Mass Effect 3. And that is bullshit. Having played through it for a third time now, I can safely say that Mass Effect 3 is a great game and should not be judged by one part that a lot of very loud people didn't like. This is a problem I hope to fix (even though I can't possibly do that, but shut up). So, with that in mind, here's a list of things I really, really like about Mass Effect 3 (bear in mind that people who haven't played any of the Mass Effect games will have no idea what I'm talking about, but may still get enjoyment out of it):

I like the sheer jaw-dropping epicness of seeing a Reaper land in the Thames River.

I like the terror you get when you stand on the moon of Palaven and watch the plaent burn.

I like that James Vega's only purpose in the game is to be a dumb guy that new players can relate to.

I like how the Warp power looks. It's just Incinerate or Freeze with different color scheme, but it looks really cool when you use it.

I like that Sabotage can turn enemy turrets against them.

I like that Martin Sheen still plays the Illusive Man and doesn't half-ass it for a second.

I like that Kai Leng's a total badass.

I like how Mordin Solus dies. It's like Spock in Star Trek II but less dramatic. The guy blows up while humming Rogers and Hammerstein.

I like Eve. She's just a nice character and good counterbalance to Urdnot Wreav.

I like that if you save Maelon's research data in Mass Effect 2, you can keep Eve from dying in Mass Effect 3.

I like that when you go to Grisson Academy, you see Jack being a well-developed person without losing her core characteristics. Plus she looks hotter with hair.

I like when you meet David Archer at Grisson Academy. He says he's been counting again, this time "the days I'm still alive thanks to you".

I like Joker and EDI. They make a weird but nice couple.

I like that no matter who you pick as your romantic option, it always feels like you should be with Garrus Vakarian.

I like that by the end of the game, you can kill Brutes and Harvesters without breaking a sweat.

I like how goddamn creepy the Banshees are.

I like that Liara T'Soni is simultaneously a sweet girl, a genius, a badass, and an intergalactic crime lord.

I like that at the end of the Rannoch mission, even if you do the morally right thing, there are still terrible consequences.

I like the mission in the Geth mainframe. It's trippy, big-idea stuff and it works.

I like the new resource mining system, or as I like to call it, "Grand Theft Reaper".

I like doing all the side-missions on the Citadel.

I like the mission on Sanctuary. I don't know why; maybe it's Henry Lawson's Aussie accent talking about indoctrination and Reaper technology.

I like hearing Admiral Hackett saying "Hackett Out" at the end of every conversation, because it means I don't have to talk to him anymore.

I like the Geth. They have a good look to them, they're well designed.

I like that part during the attack on London when you get a chance to call all your old friends to say "Good luck".

I like that Buzz Aldrin voices the Stargazer at the end.

I like watching a giant worm monster take down an also giant robot spaceship.

I like that we got this song out of it.

I like Garrus Vakarian.

I like Liara T'Soni.

I like Tali'Zorah vas Normandy.

I like James Vega.

I like Kaidan Alenko.

I like Admiral David Anderson.

I like Mordin Solus.

I like Krogan Eve.

I like Legion of the Geth.

I like the Justicar Samara.

I like Jack.

I like Miranda Lawson.

I like Thane Krios.

I like Jacob Taylor.

I like Kasumi Goto.

I like Commander Shepard.

I like the characters.

I like the universe.

I like the story.

I like Mass Effect 3.

Thanks for reading and I'll see you next time!

My Little Guilty Pleasure

Yep. This. I'm doing a blog on this. Lord have mercy, I'm doing a blog about...THIS. I suppose I have to revoke my Man Card now.

Hasbro is an interesting little corporate entity, ennit? In 1964, they found a way to market dolls to boys and changed the face of the toy industry forever with two simple words: "Action Figure". In 1982, they came up with a new whole new way to sell their product: the tie-in shows, which led to the rise of two juggernauts of the 80's, G.I. Joe and Transformers. They also tried to repeat their success by creating a toy line aimed at the female demographic. The result was 1986's animated series My Little Pony.

If internet critic Lindsey "Nostalgia Chick" Ellis is to be believed, the original MLP show is less fondly remembered than it's big brothers (when it's being remembered at all). The characters were ill-defined and the conflict ranged from petty disagreements to nonexistent (because girls don't like conflict in their stories, naturally). MLP survived as a franchise and had hiccuped now and then throughout the nineties and two-thousands with new toys or an animated special here and there, but never really found the same level of success as Transformers or GI Joe (which may very well be a blessing. Do you really want to see Michael Bay's My Little Pony?) (Actually, that could be hilarious). However, in Fall of 2010, something completely unexpected happen: MLP became popular. And it was all thanks to a new animated series on The Hub, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

Developed by animation veteran Lauren Faust (late of The Powerpuff Girls and Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends), FIM struck a chord not only with it's intended audience of young girls, but also with the very vocal demographic of males age 20 and up. The so-called "bronies" carved a strong internet presence for themselves and their fandom made the show far more well-known and noteworthy than it otherwise might have been. Being something of a media-soak myself, I was curious and fascinated by this new fandom, and wanted to know the reason behind it; why was a kids cartoon aimed at girls becoming so big with grown-ass men? What was the hook to it? Everytime I asked, I got the same answer: "It's just good writing." Not the most difinitive answer to my question. When I discovered that the series was now available for streaming on Netflix, I got to watching, and now, ten episodes in, I can safely say that I get the appeal.

Let me explain the premise in a way that won't lead to me wanting to shoot myself. In a mystical far-off land (where, much like C.S. Lewis's Narnia, the mythology is a hodge-podge mashup of whatever the writers feel like pulling from, be it Greek, Norse, or Bullshit), Pony Jesus rules benevolently over the anatomically incorrent four-hooved citizens of the realm. Her apprentice, Aspergers Pony, is exiled from the capitol and sent to live in a peasant village to get a real job. This job is basically keeping the citizens of the village from killing each other (Not unlike Hawke from Dragon Age II). Specifically, she must constantly make peace between the other core five characters: Redneck Pony, Social Anxiety Pony, OCD Pony, Compensating For Something Pony, and Habitual Crack User Pony. Together with Aspergers Pony's assistant, Closeted Gay Lizardman, the ponies defend the village from all manner of threats, include petty differences, racism, pollution, a plague of locusts, and the return of Pony Lucifer. And if I write the word "Pony" one more time, my keyboard may explode.

FIM has some good things going for it: For starters, the animation is outstanding. Fluid and dynamic, brightly colored, with consistent aesthetic. The characters, while often extreme, are likable and relatable in their own ways. And, god help me, the writing is actually good. There's genuine conflict (most of the time), the lessons are simple without being too preachy, and character interactions are dynamic enough not to be repetitive while consistent enough to be believable.

The best word I can use to describe FIM is "Harmless". It's a rice cake with powdered sugar: not really bad for you and sweet without being disgusting. Like I said before, the first season is up on Netflix, so maybe take a look and decide for yourself what you think. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go hang my head in shame for a while. See ya next time!

Of Adaptations and Endings

Hello again, readers and friends. As I said in my last post, internet-type guy MovieBob is sort of my inspiration for doing this blog. Since he occasionally does episodes of his popular culture commentary program "The Big Picture" that are composed of smaller ideas that have yet to be stretched out into full episodes (called "The Junk Drawer"), I figured I might as well do the same thing. A few things have caught my geeky sort of fancy in the past week, and I figured I might as well spill my guts here. So here it is, some things that interest me...I should really come up with a better name for this...

John Carter


This past weekend so the release of Disney's John Carter (Disney: The first distributor ever to do summer blockbusters in the Winter!), based on the literally 100-year-old Barsoom series of pulp adventures written by Edgar Rice Burroughs. John Carter of Mars, as the franchise is referred to, is considered the pretext to most of the great works of sci-fi and fantasy in the 20th century, having inspired the likes of Flash Gordon, which inspired Buck Rogers, which inspired Star Wars, which inspired a whole bunch of stuff, and so on. And now that we live in an age of high-budget special effects and brand-name recognition being the key to success, it's only natural that Burroughs's version of the Red Planet become the next great Hollywood blockbuster. And yet...it doesn't look that good.

In its opening weekend, John Carter made $30 million domestic and $70 million internationally, making for a total of $100 million (those high school math classes really paid off, didn't they?). Now, a sane person would be overjoyed at the prospect of making a tenth of that money over three days, but remember, this is Hollywood. John Carter is estimated to have cost $250 million, which means that its impressive opening weekend raked in enough money to pay the special effects guy who made Tars Tarkas have green skin. So why did this movie do so (relatively) bad at the box office?

For starters, the advertising. Omitting any mention of Mars, Barsoom, space, green four-armed people, etc. from the title of the movie buries the lead. A movie called John Carter just sounds...boring. You have a space epic involving alien lizard men, giant ape monsters, and a wicked hot red-skinned lady in skimpy dress (seriously, this movie is worth seeing for Lynn Collins alone. She kills it in the movie and looks jaw-droppingly fantastic while doing it). Show off what you got!

Next comes the fact that there wasn't as much merchandising. Disney shot themselves in the foot when they didn't release all nine books in the Barsoom series together, or any toys to promote the film. This is a part of Hollywood that I know very little about (as opposed to the rest of the film industry, which I clearly have a masters degree in), but doesn't it seem like a kid would get more excited about a John Carter movie if he had a John Carter action figure with kung-fu grip and little plastic swords he can stab himself in the eye with? I sure would be.

Finally, there were the reviews: They weren't positive. Last I checked, Rotten Tomatoes has the movie at 51% approval, or by high school standards, an F. And, admittedly, the film is flawed. The pacing is slow, the mythology is mostly dull, the Thark race is the most interesting part of the movie and they're mostly a B-Story, the villains range from boring to confusing, and Taylor Kitsch is only servicable as an action hero. However, I still had a lot of fun with it. The action works, the visuals are awesome, there's genuine comedy in it, and, again, Lynn Collins kills it as Dejah Thoris. I'm asking you to please, PLEASE see this movie; if it gets a sequel, it'd probably be a lot better.

The Lorax


Beating John Carter at the box office was The Lorax, Illumination Entertainment's adaptation of Dr. Seuss's 1971 children's book. This film has captured my interest without me having to see it because of the baggage it brings as an adaptation.

See, based solely on speculation, my generation seemes to be much more nostalgic than the previous ones. I think it's because our nostalgia is more rooted in the media we absorbed as children, and how entertainment in the late 80's/early 90's was more specialized than it was at other times and children's entertainment in particular was more distinct and varied. That's why it interests me whenever people dig up relics of their nostalgia and point out the more intellectual aspects of it that they can see now that they're adults. Dr. Seuss's books a prime example of this because they're, to a degree, universal and because a lot of them do have bigger ideas at work. "The Sneetches" was about antisemitism. "Yertle the Turtle" was about Nazi Germany. "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" was a reinterpretation of the Germanic epic poem Beowulf, told from the perspective of its initial villain, the monster Grendel. Likewise, "The Lorax" was blantantly about environmentalism.

A lot of the reviews I'm seeing for the Lorax movie is that it's broad message gets lost or is undercut. The book was a bleak cautionary tale about the dangers of overconsumption and short-sighted business practices; it's pretty much an anti-corporate message. The movie tries the same thing, despite the fact that it has 70 corporate tie-ins, including an SUV. Furthermore, it apparently changes the antagonistic Once-Ler's character from an opportunistic businessman to a wide-eyed innocent led astray by his greedy family. The primary antagonist of the film becomes corporate head Aloysius O'Hare, a man so cartoonishly evil, he's one business venture away from making enemies with Captain Planet and the Planeteers.

The reason The Lorax movie fascinates me is because when I first saw the trailer (because my ADD-rattled brain doesn't recognize a movie as existing until it's being pitched to me), I wondered if Hollywood could take a book so renowned for its style and its message, stretch it into ninety minutes, and keep the style and message in tact. In short: No, apparently they couldn't. But, I probably shouldn't say, as I haven't actually seen the damn thing. Maybe I'll catch a matinee sometime this week, because god knows I'm not paying a full ten bucks for this crap.

Mass Effect 3


A week ago saw the release of Mass Effect 3, the conclusion to Bioware's video game trilogy. The Mass Effect games have been highly praised for their storytelling and characterization, and that's on full display in the third game. However, the ending of the game and series has gotten a lot of people angry, and I guess I can see where they're coming from, but I really don't have a problem with it, and I'll tell you why. Incidentally, I'm going to be absolutely spoiling the ending, so be warned.

Set in the distance 26th century, Mass Effect follows the exploits of intergalactic soldier Commander Shepard, and his ongoing attmept to prepare for the coming of the Reapers, a race of ancient machines who wipe out nearly all organic life in the universe every 50,000 years. Mass Effect 3 begins with the Reapers landing on Earth and taking over, driving Shepard and his allies off and forcing them to forge new alliances across the galaxy and build an army to take on the Reapers, while simultaneous ensuring the creation of "The Crucible", a weapon that is capable of destroying every Reaper across the universe.

The final hours of the game are Shepard's assault on Earth, as he fights of Reaper ground troops and makes his way to the catalyst that will ensure the Crucible's functionality. When he gets there, after friends and enemies have died and he himself has been gravely injured, Shepherd is confronted by the Crucible itself, an AI that explains the Reaper's goals and origins and explains how Shepard can defeat them.

What Shepard does is decided by choices the player makes not only throughout the game, but throughtout the previous two games. One of the impressive things about the Mass Effect series is that players can import their saves from old one into new ones; i.e. the Commander Shepard a player created and made choices with in Mass Effect 1 can carry on to Mass Effect 2 and 3, which changes the events of each game based on the previous ones. Yet with the ending of Mass Effect 3, the three different methods of defeating the Reapers all have essentially the same results: Shepard dies, the Reapers stop attacking Earth, the mass relays (the technology through which intergalactic travel is made possible) are destroyed and Shepard's allies survive, albeit having crashed and stranded on an alien world. Many gamers have taken the endings as Bioware saying, "Hey, remember when we said your choices in the previous games had weight and meaning in the series? Well forget that! We're too lazy to think of different endings, so here's this one played again three times!"

The gaming community has not taken this well. Polls and petitions have gone up across the internet, asking Bioware to release downloadable content that will change the ending of the game, providing more diversity and closure to this epic narrative. To an extent, I get what they're saying; something as big as Mass Effect deserves a conclusion that feels like the culmination of three games worth of space travel, grand heroes, larger-than-life villains, love, loss and intergalactic adventure. But really, I don't mind the ending, mostly because of my personal experience with it.

See, before the assault on Earth, I assumed that it was possible for Shepard to fail his mission and for the Reapers to continue their mass extinction without anything to stop them. This means that during the final mission, every time someone said something about the allied forces losing, my heart seized up, and I worried that a galaxy of sentient life was about to go down the toilet because I screwed up. So when I got to the end and Shepard sacrificed himself to destroy the Reapers, I was relieved. I was happy in my success and cautiously optimistic that my allies did survive. And really, I was just happy with the story. To dust off an old quote, "It's not the destination, it's the journey". Everything building up to that final moment on the Crucible was an emotional roller coaster and a fantastic story. Mass Effect 3 is an excellent game, regardless of the ending, and that's all there is to it.



Whew. That was longer than I expected. Still, fun. If you have any thoughts on those things I talked about, send 'em my way. If you have any ideas on what I should talk about, do the same. I'll see you next time.

Why You Love Comics

Hello my friends. So recently, web-based person Film Critic Hulk posted a detailed and somewhat inspiring list called "Why You Love Movies" (see here: http://badassdigest.com/2012/02/05/why-you-love-movies/). Film critic, pop culture afficionado, and all-around inspiration for this blog Bob Chipman posted his own version, "Why You Love Video Games" (see here: http://gameoverthinker.blogspot.com/2012/02/episode-66-why-do-you-love-video-games.html?spref=tw). I have some free time, so I figured, why not post my own about the medium I so love to follow, comic books. So, without further ado and for shits and and giggles, here's Why You Love Comics:

Because we read Spider-Man for Peter Parker.

Because Wolverine is a Canadian samurai.

Because the X-Men are secretly about everything.

Because Earth has four Green Lanterns (five if you count Alan Scott).

Because the Martian Manhunter is stronger than Superman and doesn't need to show it.

Because we know that Aquaman is a badass.

Because two Jews wrote a story about an alien jumping across the Atlantic and stopping World War II.

Because the cover of Captain America #1 is a man wearing the American flag and punching Hitler in the jaw.

Because of the Golden Age and all the Nazi fighting.

Because of the Silver Age and all the Commie fighting.

Because of the Modern Age and all of the Terrorist fighting.

Because Booster Gold's storyline in '52' taught me to do what's right regardless of the recognition.

Because Black Adam's storyline in '52' ended with him killing millions of people, and he's still one of the most compelling villains in the medium.

Because Will Magnus's storyline in '52' is the funniest story you could get about a bipolar super-scientist while still having a heart.

Because of '52' in general.

Because of Gotham City.

Because of Metropolis.

Because of Coast City.

Because of Star City.

Because of Opal City.

Because of Utopia Island.

Because of the Savage Land.

Because of Oa.

Because of Krypton, old and new.

Because every hero and villain in Marvel comics works out of New York and nobody bats an eye.

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Because in a world of robot suits, magic spells, mutant powers and monster men, a bow and arrow is considered legitimate.

Because there are multiple Earths.

Because of Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Because of The Dark Knight Returns.

Because of Blackest Night.

Because of Secret Invasion.

Because of Watchmen.

Because the last scene in Scalped #55 was five years in the making and absolutely delivered.

Because in Scott Pilgrim, the hero doesn't just get the girl, he becomes worthy of her.

Because of the background jokes in Chew.

Because of the moment when Peter Panzerfaust stands in the window.

Because Spider-Man was about hitting puberty.

Because the Hulk was about the atomic age and child abuse.

Because Iron Man was an alcoholic.

Because the Green Arrow's sidekick was a heroin addict, and then a single father.

Because of Jerry Siegel, Joe Shuster, Bob Kane, Bill Finger, William Moulton Marston, Will Eisner, Joe Simon, Jack Kirby, Stan Lee, John Romita Sr., Alan Moore, Chuck Dixon, Joe Kelly, Brian Michael Bendis, Kurt Busiek, J. Michael Strazynski, Mark Waid, Geoff Johns, Greg Rucka, Grant Morrison, Ed Brubaker, Matt Fraction, Brian K. Vaughn, Chris Claremont, Len Wein, Dave Cockrum, Brian Azzarello, Mark Millar, Jason Aaron, Jeff Lemire, Scott Snyder, John Layman, Marv Wolfman, George Perez, Abenett and Lanning, Palmiotti and Grey, Paul Cornell, Jonathan Hickman, Judd Winick, Gail Simone and 80's Frank Miller.

Because of Darwyn Cooke, Amanda Conner, J.H. Williams III, Frances Manapul, Alex Ross, J.G. Jones, Greg Capullo, John Romita Jr., Ivan Reis, Doug Mahnke, Rob Guillory, Daniel Acuna, Jerome Opena, Dale Eaglesham, Jock, Moritat, Nikola Scott, Mike Deodato Jr., Frank Quitely (quite frankly), Chris Bachalo, Nick Bradshaw, R.M Guera, Davide Furno, Bryan Lee O'Malley, Gabriel Hardman, Peter Krause, Stephano Caselli, Leinil Francis Yu, Travel Foreman, Miguel Sepulveda, Yanick Paquette, Adrian Syaf, and any writers or artists I didn't mention.

Because Dwayne McDuffie tried to make comics more diverse.

Because for a while, DC's best book was about six crazy supervillains who alternated between dending on each other for support and trying to kill each other over moral differences.

Because of the Great Wheel from Secret Warriors.

Because Nick Fury has been in at least two wars and still wants to fight the good fight.

Because of Batman.

Because of Jason Todd's death in Batman.

Because of Supergirl's death in Crisis.

Because of Ant-Man's death in Secret Avengers.

Because of Boy Blue's death in Fables.

Because of the tragic laughter at Crusader's death in Avengers: The Initiative.

Because the convoluted storylines that you had to understand to get Sodam Yat's death in Green Lantern Corps.

Because I wanted to cry at the end of Lost at Sea.

Because I did cry at the end of I Kill Giants.

Because the Spirit teamed up with Batman.

Because the JLA teamed up with the Avengers.

Because of Comic Con.

Because of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.

Because of Max Landis's short film, The Death and Return of Superman.

Because the last part of Buffy Season 8 was a convoluted mess, but a fantastic story up until then.

Because Joss Whedon wrote the Runaways.

Because the Runaways exist and Marvel doesn't forget it.

Because Nextwave exists and Marvel won't let anyone trivialize it.

Because Image Comics does things that are different.

Because anyone in this medium CAN do things that are different.

Because Detective Comics #27 is probably worth a million dollars.

Because the moment when Norman Osborn killed the Veranke the Skrull Queen is priceless.

Because Final Crisis was a bunch of good ideas being slammed into a space that couldn't accomodate them all.

Because there is nothing to fear but fear itself, which, according to DC, is a giant yellow space bug.

Because Nicolas Cage named himself after a black man in a disco shirt and a silver tiara.

Because the Court of Owls can give me nightmares.

Because no matter what comes off on the page, I know the writers, artists, and editors behind it are enthusiastic and excited to be working in this medium.

Because I know that no matter what happens in this world, there will still be a place where a righteous man with a great mind, good friends, and wonderful toys can overcome any obstacle.

Because of Cardhaus Games and Dreamstrands Comics.

Because every Wednesday, there's another story waiting to be read.

Thanks, and I'll see you next time.